Divorce is difficult…

…and affects more than just the divorcing couple. Ending my first marriage affected me, my daughter, and my family. It also affected my ex and his family. My daughter was only 5 months old when I packed what I could carry for her, and very few essentials for me, and got on a bus. It took us almost a week to get across the country and finally arrive at mom’s. I regretted leaving almost immediately, which seems silly to me now when I think back. The relationship was abusive, and he made it clear that he never loved me; I meant nothing to him. I was now a single mother, living with my mother and her new husband, no job, no car. I was a failure. I think I was hoping that taking our daughter and leaving the state would be a reality check for him, it wasn’t. Like I said, he never loved me and he was burdened by being a father. His problems were more solved than not, by us leaving. 

My relationship with my ex was unhealthy. And I had never really been on my own before. I had lived with family and friends, but never really on my own until I married my ex. Even then I had the support of a navy paycheck and benefits, and I knew I was in a good place. Once he was out of the navy though, we had nothing to fall back on except his family. 

How do you know it’s time to file for divorce? I’m going to say that when you constantly and consistently finding you are unhappy for a long time with no sign of happiness in sight, then maybe it’s time to consider divorce. I’m not talking arguments or disagreements, I’m talking about unhealthy explosions of emotions, and zero communication, and no intimacy (not just physical, but emotional as well) for years, and feeling the emotional distance between you getting bigger and bigger until you are no longer acknowledging each other as a form of keeping the peace, and when you have no trust in the other person. And, of course, there is abuse. I stayed in an abusive too long for many reasons, so I get it, but abuse is bad. And infidelity…that’s another reason. 

When is it ok to file for divorce? You don’t need anyone’s permission. You are your own person, with feelings and needs that matter. You don’t need permission from family or friends. Yes, it would be great if you had their support, but you don’t need it. Don’t worry about what others will think. Someone in your life will see you as a stronger person. 

Who should be involved in the decision to divorce? Definitely NOT the kids! A divorce can leave kids feeling like they are to blame. They will wonder if they could’ve saved your marriage if they had behaved better, helped around the house more…the list goes on and on. An amicable divorce is possible if both of you agree and are able to compromise and be reasonable. There is little room for selfishness. Taking too much in order to force the other person to suffer or remain responsible for you is asking for a nasty divorce. Be reasonable and realize it’s hard for everyone.

Get legal advice. 

Divorce is difficult. Don’t let it define you. 

To My Aunt…

…and Mother of My Child,

Just over 20 years ago, I gave you a gift. My daughter. I asked you to adopt her and give her a loving family, and a life far better than I could have offered her. You took time to consider it, and then you gladly accepted my gift. From the day she left my arms at 1 month, 1 week, and 1 day old, she was your daughter. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t selfishly wish I had kept her. My decision to give her to you was probably the only truly selfless choice I made in my life, and yet, from the moment she was gone I regretted it. 

You have done a truly amazing job at raising her, just as you have done with her 3 older brothers. You have taught her the importance of being a lady, family, being yourself, and accepting yourself. You have protected her. I understand the need for a mother to protect her children. This is why I am writing this. 

I have always wanted a strong relationship with her. And J has always wanted a close relationship with her sister, but we kept our distance for fear of disrupting her life and the family dynamics that you and Uncle had worked so hard to create. A trip to visit when she was 8, bringing her out to stay with on 2 separate occasions. Her last trip out here was not the best. I couldn’t understand why she so forcefully pushed J away after the first couple days. She said things that broke my heart as I drove her to the airport to fly her home to you, and I didn’t know why. J could not have been much worse than nieces or nephews who might vie for her attention back home. So why the negativity and harsh words about J? I didn’t understand, but to protect J, I had to leave it alone and create distance between B and us. To this day, J still doesn’t know the hurtful things that were said about her.

A while back you and I spoke on the phone. I felt attacked by you, and again, I didn’t understand where the hurt and anger, that was now coming from you towards me, was coming from. I understand your need to protect your daughter, but I did not understand where you got your information, or why I was the target of your rage. My husband and I have felt a hole in our family since we married, and we considered many options to fill that hole. Fast forward through many years of using donors in an effort to get pregnant, multiple miscarriages, and failed attempts. We considered adoption multiple times, as well as fostering. I talked to you about some of this and you strongly encouraged me to what we needed to do for our family, but to keep our efforts from B until we had a child in our hands. I respected your wishes and said nothing to her, even though I wanted her to be a part of the process, I kept it from her. You told me during this phone call that you “knew” I had told her about this stuff, and chastised me for doing so. I tried to tell you that I didn’t say anything to her, but you wouldn’t listen. I cried for days, and I still get highly emotional when I think about that conversation and how little you must think of me. 

We have a little boy in our custody now, and another boy that is older who we get when we can, and will hopefully be coming to stay with us full time as well. The older one has issues that require us to limit his exposure to violent themed items such as video games and weaponry. The younger one is aware of these issues, and on multiple occasions has taken it upon himself to tell the older one “you can’t play with my nerf guns, because you get violent.” The younger one knows he is not to say things like this, and as soon as he does he knows he’s in big trouble. The last time this happened, I told the younger one that he lost his favorite privilege forever because he does not have self control. He had a full blown come-apart before I could ask him how that made him feel. I was finally able to drive the point home, and let him know he didn’t really lose his privilege but helped him to become more aware of the hurt that words like that can cause. This string of incidents got me thinking and I realized something…

…you were probably told that I was the one who talked to B about trying to increase our family, but in all reality, it was probably J trying to confide in her sister the frustrations she felt during these processes. I thought about it more than I should have. I finally asked J about it recently. I asked her if she ever talked to B about us trying with donors, adoption, and fostering. You know what? She said she had talked to B about it during her last visit. And do you know what else? B pushing J away and all the hurtful things said to me finally made sense. It finally clicked. I don’t know why B would throw me under the bus, and I don’t know why you wouldn’t just ask for my side of the story. I do wish you wouldn’t have attacked me so harshly without hearing both sides. I don’t think you realize that, had I known, I would’ve fought to protect B…after all, she was my child too. 

I’m sad that everything happened the way it did, and that B didn’t come to me. But why should she have come to me when you told her to keep everything to herself and not tell me how she really felt? She was miserable for most of the trip, and you told her to smile through it and not tell anyone. I lost so much respect for you, and I created distance in the relationship between her and J and myself. I gave my child to you almost 20 years, and you have taken her away from me again. I hope that you never have to experience the hurt that comes from someone you love accusing you of hurting your own child. Oh, don’t you see? Everything I have done for her was done to protect her. Why would that stop now? 

Sincerely,

Her Birth Mother

Have you ever…

…thought about the impact you have had in the lives of those who’s paths have crossed yours? I have. As I’m nearing the age of 40, I have thought a lot about where I am, how I got here, what effect I’ve had on those around me, etc. I am not where I had hoped to be by this stage in my life. Call it a midlife crisis, a pity party, an awakening…whatever name you give it, it’s me reflecting on the choices I’ve made and the impact I’ve had on others throughout my life. 

Take B, for example. I placed her in my loving aunt and uncles home. They adopted her. I told them of the circumstances around the pregnancy, I gave them letters and pictures from the relationship in which she was conceived. I have my reasons for placing her for adoption, and they were completely centered in love and selflessness. I regretted my decision so many times, even going as far as trying to get her back, but I knew in my heart that she was where she was supposed to be. She was meant to be a part of their family. I was just the means by which she would come to them. 

Her birth father never knew her, until I located him with the help of a friend, a little over a year ago. Shortly after B made contact with him for the first time, he posted on social media about him finding out that the child he thought was dead, was indeed very much alive and all grown up. I know that I did not tell him she was dead, I can only assume that his controlling mother told him that lie after I cut off all contact when she threatened to take my child from me and told me that I would never see the baby again. I’ve always wanted lots of kids, even considered adopting a child myself. At the request of B’s adopted mom, I never mentioned it to her, even though I so badly wanted to. I knew I could not tell her unless we were successful in adopting. Yet after B came for a visit a few years ago, I received a call from her adopted mom asking how I could tell her about our hopes and plans to adopt. J was the one who told her. Just 2 sisters talking, but B tells her mom it was me. 

I must have done something wrong in a past life to be followed by so much hurt, anger, and blame. I feel like I have ruined people’s lives, or at least part of their chance at happiness by the choices I have made. I have deprived myself of true happiness because I have lived with the secrets, and the guilt associated with my choices. I have thought many times about trying to contact B’s birth father, partly because I still have a love for him (regardless of what he did to me), partly because I knew the amazing young lady who’s life he was missing out on (and a little bit of jealousy, because I knew that I was missing out on her life too, and why should he get to play a part in her life, but I can’t). It’s stupid, I know. But it’s how I felt/feel.

I sang a song in a pageant once (yes, I was in a pageant) called “Leave Out All the Rest” by LinkinPark. The songs speaks of concern for how people will remember me when I’m gone.  “What am I leaving when I’m done here? So if you’re asking me, I want you to know. When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done, help me leave behind some reason to be missed. Don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest.” My hope for my life is that the good I’ve done will outweigh the bad, and people will remember me for the effort I put into making a difference in the lives of others, instead of remembering me for the choices I’ve made that affected them. I don’t ask for forgiveness, because I don’t yet know how to forgive myself, and if I can’t forgive myself, how can I hope for others to? My life revolves around my children, all of my children, even the ones who will never belong to me and will never claim me. 

I hope that through my life experiences, choices, and consequences, that someone, somewhere, will learn from me. 

What I want for myself…

…is to be different than I am. To be smarter. To be healthier. To be skinnier. To be more tone and fit. To be less of a door mat. To be more assertive. To be a better mom. To spend more time with my daughter. To help her see how amazing she is. To have more energy. To be a better wife, or to be better single. To be…more than I think I can (or deserve) to be. 

But reality is…I’m only me. I can only ever be me. I can wish and want and dream to be better, but it will never happen…unless…I can find a way to be happy. Truly happy…with myself being me. Is being me really so bad?

I’m not perfect. I don’t know everything, and I don’t want to. I’d like to honestly say that I can always admit when I’m wrong, but I can’t. So many times I have stumbled, but I have always gotten back up. So many promises were made to me, and then broken. Sure, I’m bitter about some of them, but maybe that’s ok seeing as how I’ve missed out. I pictured my life being so different by now. Maybe it’s just that I’m scared about turning 40. I can’t even say that it snuck up on me because it didn’t. I saw it coming. Part of me wishes that death would come for me, quietly in the night, so I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. Ok, suffer is probably a slight overstatement. So I wouldn’t have to deal with life’s many disappointments. Yup, that’s better. My life has been hard for me. I imagine everyone feels that their life has been hard for them though. I’m not that special. 

One thing I’ve learned, that helps me to not be so down about myself and about life, is to tell someone I need to hear something positive about me. Usually it’s one of my brothers or uncles or mom. Sometimes it friends. When I’m really down and I can’t think of anything positive about myself, I have a group of people that I trust who are always able to find the positive in me. These are also the very same people who won’t hesitate to kick my butt when I need it. Trust me…I’ve needed it. 

I struggle to ask for help, and I keep things inside so I don’t become a burden to others; but holding everything in and keeping it all to myself leads me to explode on whoever is in my way when I’ve reached my limit. I don’t mean to lash out, and I try not to, but I fail. I’ve lived a life that has left me weary and scarred. I have people that I trust, but I guess I am unable to trust them completely. I can’t allow others to tear down the walls I’ve built up to protect myself. There seems to be no middle ground. People in my life have either been extremely selfish or extremely selfless. Again, no middle ground. I continue to try. I continue to learn the harsh lessons that come from failing to ask for help. I won’t give up!

What Do You See…

…when you look into my eyes? Do you see the years of hurt and pain? The deep sadness? The intense love and concern for my children? Do you even see me at all?

Since I was 16 or so, I have tried to be a little bit see through. You know, fly under the radar, be invisible… I’m not very good at it though. I am too independent and opinionated. I stay out of sight only to see something, or someone, that makes me come out of hiding. I used to be a huge attention whore. I would try to get attention any way I could. From around age 5 until age 16, I would lie and steal if I thought it would get me ahead, or get me attention. I have since learned to use my words and simply ask for what I need. Sometimes what I need is to be left alone, but other times, even when I don’t realize it or won’t admit it, I need to be noticed. The problem is that even though I’ve had years, sometimes I’m still too embarrassed to ask for attention.

I was raised by a single mom since I was 8. I never felt like I belonged in my family. I wanted the attention that I saw all 3 of my brothers getting, but I could not live up to their greatness. No, seriously, they are all great! They got good grades, did what they were told, were honest, hard working boys. I love them, and even now I wish I could be more like them. They all have great families, with lots of kids. Their kids are so great. I was willing to accept all the negative attention that I could get, just so I could be noticed. I have a much better appreciation for my mom now, though. She worked hard, sometime 2 and 3 jobs to provide for us.

I want to feel loved, and safe; to be able to talk openly and honestly with another adult; to feel like someone has my back when it comes to caring for, and disciplining the kids; to be held and cuddled. I feel like these things, and more, are lacking in my life. I want to disappear so no one else has the chance to dump any more crap on me. I want to be mostly invisible again, and to only be seen by who I want, and when I want. Now…if I can just figure out how to make that happen.

The new additions…

…are so cute. We bought our first chicks almost 2 weeks ago. There is a serious learning curve when it comes to raising new animals. We learned so much so fast. We started with 6, but 3 didn’t make it. We added 9 more 2 days ago. So far, the 3 older ones are separated from the new 9, but as they all get older we will start to integrate them into one big brood. All of the chicks are bantams, so they are about 1/2 the size of regular chickens. They lay much smaller eggs as well. The 3 older ones are 3 weeks old now, and they all look alike. 

   
    
    

The 9 new ones are only a few days old, but we can tell them all apart except for 2 of the speckled ones. The kids have all staked claim to their favorites and have started naming them. J won’t let me claim my favorite one, but gave Jay the turken (a mixed breed of turkey and chicken). That’s right, I said turken. We found a bantam turkey-ish! I didn’t think anyone would like them so I only got one. I should’ve bought more because the turken is the one everyone likes, but by the time we went back to get more, all the turkens were gone. 

  

I got a good picture of the turken. We love it’s little naked neck! We might just have to go back on Tuesday, when the next shipment comes in, to get more. 

 

T’s visitor…

…is doing more damage than good. T’s dad came down for spring break. T is so worried about upsetting his dad that he’s walking on egg shells in an attempt to keep his dad from having seizures. Apparently T believes that making his dad upset was the cause of his dad’s seizures. This is extremely bothersome to me. Yesterday I left them at the hotel that his dad is staying at. Not long after leaving them there T called me to tell me his dad was throwing up and he “didn’t do anything wrong” but he didn’t know how to help dad. I told him I would be right there, and not to worry. There was nothing he could do but stay out of dads way.

It’s apparent to me that dads reality is different from ours. He has convinced himself that T is only with us because they don’t have a house yet. I don’t care that they were living in a tent. We’ve lived in a tent…hell, I’ve lived in my car with my child. I didn’t go get T because of where they were living. I got him because of dads drug relapses, multiple attempted suicides, and unwillingness to put T’s needs ahead of his own selfish desires. If there is one thing I’ve learned as a parent, it’s that children are worth every sacrifice that we make for them.

Dad wanted to meet T’s therapist so we went while he was in town. Surprisingly dad approves, but didn’t feel he could be completely honest with the therapist in telling him what’s what in his life. Dad has made his opinions clear to T, so now T no longer is willing to discuss certain topics with the therapist or me or any other adult friend he has available to talk to, and he has even decided that because dad doesn’t like them that he no longer trusts the officer he used to ask to speak to. T no longer likes officers…because dad doesn’t like them.

All that being said, T did enjoy having fun with dad, and even commented to me that he’s noticing some good changes in his dad. He said he likes his new dad.

Update: The therapist told me that, in his opinion, T is better off here with us. This is because of dads reality, which is so scattered, and so far from our reality. The therapist also said that dads first topic of concern is finding out who molested his son. It was not “How is he doing?” But rather “Who did it so I can ‘deal’ with them?”

Our first 2 months of the year…

…have been a little crazy. In mid January (2016) we found water damage in our kitchen. This water damage was a result of a slow leak which was estimated to have started in November of 2015. This was also the cause of our tile issues in the bathroom and kitchen. We went to LA to visit M and E and when we returned, we got to stay one night in the house before moving into our first hotel.  From there, we moved to a different hotel, where over the course of the next few weeks we occupied a total of 5 suites before we were moved up onto Foremaster Ridge. So far, we have spent more of this year living outside of our house than we have spent living in it. We are so ready to move home again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
T has struggled daily at school since returning home from winter vacation with mom and dad. Dad is coming to town tomorrow for an 8 day visit, and T has been beyond stressed about it. I forget sometimes that we had about a month and a half to get him prepared for school, and even then he struggled for the first few weeks. I feel like we are starting over every time he sees them.

M has a new man in her life. He is so good to her and E. We met him when we went to visit in January. E is getting so big! She is strong and wanting to walk so badly. She already had 2 teeth when we visited. She’s gorgeous and we love her! M is doing such a great job with her. M is an amazing mom!

I am still looking for a full time, well paying job where I can put my degree to use. I do have a part time, temporary job starting in 10 days and lasting about a month. I’ll be an aid at T’s school, in his class. I’m subbing for the regular aid who is out for medical reasons. T is excited, so far, that I’ll be there everyday. Maybe I’ll get lucky and this will lead to something else, something that better fits my degree, my talents, my family’s needs.

Update: We finally moved back home on March 12th. It’s so nice to be back in our own home! Now to clean, declutter, and organize…

Saying Good-Bye to 2015…

…and hello to 2016.

While our New Years celebration was less than underwhelming, I have high hopes for 2016. I have to believe that it will be better than 2015.

2015 had many ups and downs, from my health problems early on and the ongoing battle to diagnose and fix all the medical problems that J deals with, to bringing T into our home and making S leave, to the birth of our first grandchild and her multiple surgeries and hospital stay and her and her mom moving to LA to be near her family, to marriages, pregnancies, and graduations. I can honestly say that I was able to survive this year as well as I have, thanks to help from the people I love: my mom with her weekly calls, my family who offered unwavering support and encouragement anytime I needed it, my advisors who would not let me give up, my friends who knew my struggles and still treated me the same, my daughter who I knew needed me to show her that quitting is not an option and we both can accomplish difficult goals, my friend who gave up sleep more than a few times for semi-regular meals with me, church members, neighbors, strangers…I could go on and on.

Our year in a nutshell (or a long family holiday letter):

Dear Family and Friends,                                                                                                 Christmas 2015

We hope this letter finds you well. We have had a very busy and eventful year, so let’s get to it…

A got married to A.L. on June 1st. A.L. is in the Navy and they live in San Diego along with their dog Bomber. She is 24 years old.

S joined the National Guard and enjoys going to drill. He works at (residential treatment business) and is making a difference in the lives of the clients he works with. M gave birth April 30 to S’s daughter, E. She is his first child, and our first grandchild. E has had some health problems, and is scheduled for her next, and hopefully final, surgery December 14. M is such a wonderful mom and we are blessed to have them both in our family. He is currently looking to move to Missouri and is 21 years old.

B is living in Ottawa. Earlier this year she was able to locate and contact her birth father. Her parents, W and D, have been a huge support to her in this venture. She is now in contact with more of his family and has found out that she has more sisters. She is working hard in college taking pre animation. She has 11 roommates and 3 cats. She is looking forward to traveling to the Virginia to visit her boyfriend, M.D., who’s in the Navy. She is 19 years old.

K is going to school for pre-med. She was recently awarded a paid internship at a forensic facility. This is a great opportunity for her and we are excited to watch her reach her goals. She has a wonderful boyfriend, Z, and they are expecting their first child next year. They have taken in her cousin B.G., and are helping her graduate from high school. K lives in El Reno, OK and is 19 years old.

J is a senior at Tuacahn High School. She is looking forward to graduation and college and traveling. She is an amazing artist and loves playing her video games. She has been working at REC since October. She loves the new found freedom that her job (and paycheck) give her. She lives at home and is 17 years old.

R is one of the new additions to our family. He is the son of Jay’s brother. R has had severe medical and emotional problems that have brought him to Saint George where Jay and I are available to support him and hopefully one day we will be able to integrate him into our family and our home. He living at RRCS and is 12 years old and is in the 6^th grade.

T is the other new addition to our family. His mom is in the Navy and his dad is dealing with medical issues, so T has come into our home. We love having him here, and he brings an energy to our home that only a 7 year old can.  He is in first grade. He has learned to love math and is really good at it. He loves his video games and can relate to just about any situation if it’s put into a video game context.

L was able to walk, at graduation, for her Associates of General Studies degree in May. She is currently finishing up her last semester for her Bachelors of Science in Criminal Justice with an Emphasis in Digital Forensics, and will be done in December. She has been applying for jobs all over the world, so we are excited to see what comes next.

Jay is also attending school, and is looking forward to going part time at work so he can take the classes he needs for his degree. He has decided on a biology degree, and will make an announcement in the future about what direction he will go from there.

We were able to purchase our first home this year. We are quickly learning how to do the required maintenance on it. We have some big plans for our little house, like adding a much needed second bathroom and redoing the tile work in the kitchen and bathroom, but we love our home and we would love to have you all come stay sometime. Until next year…know that we love you.

From:

The Family

(Jay, L, J, T)

Better Days…

…are not only possible, but they are happening. I talked in a recent post about why T was sent home early from school, and since then I think we may have stumbled upon a routine to help him have better days at school. Every morning before we leave the house I ask him what kind of day he’s going to have today. He usually says “I’m going to have a great day!” Or “I’m going to have an awesome day!” Then, when I drop him off at school I will tell him to “have a great/awesome day today!” So I just remind him in a subtle way what kind of day he said he trying to have today. So far he has had a few great days, and no bad days. I hope it’s not a fluke and that we can keep this going. 

He’s asking about “baptisement” again, something he’s asked about before. When I asked why he said he wants to stop having bad thoughts. I explained to him that being baptized won’t stop him from having bad thoughts. He was so disappointed. I asked him about the bad thoughts, were they ones we’ve already talked about or are they new ones, is he able to not act on the bad thoughts, stuff like that. He said some of them are the same but some of them are new. He said he doesn’t feel like he needs to act on them, but if he does then he’ll come talk to me first. I suggested that he talk to (his therapist) about his bad thoughts during their next play date. He didn’t talk to him about it today, but (his therapist) says they will talk about them next week. 

T is trying so hard to be a good boy, and I know it is so hard for him to do. His dad called the other day and just can’t seem to talk to T without putting him down or trying to convince him to break the rules we’ve set for him. Dad wants to send him music, ICP to be exact. The music is full of fowl language and talks about things no 7 year old should be dealing with. Where his language and inappropriate behaviors have been an issue in the recent past, how could he possibly think that sending this stuff to T will help him behave better? Dad told him to have me explain what the song is talking about, and that he can listen to it in his room with headphones on. No, he can’t. Someone has had to start from scratch to help him fix his behaviors and since that person is me…no, I will not sit by and watch him take steps backwards when we have worked so hard to get some kind of forward momentum going. 

Dad was raised differently. Different rules. Different expectations. Dad, who is not happy with how he was raised, chooses to raise T the same way instead of changing it so T has a chance at a better childhood and a better life. Dad is supposed to be using this time that T is with us to get his life on track and get himself to a better place, emotionally, to take care of T. He’s on prescribed medication to help him get right, yet he’s still smoking “medicine” that is going to cause a drop in his happy hormones, so basically he is setting himself up for failure. I’m at a loss. Am I the only one who has a problem with this? Am I the only one who cares enough about T to protect him? The crazy thing is that he has a great mom, but she seems to not understand, and not see the devastating effect all this stuff is having on him. I feel like mom has been misled by dad, but I don’t know how to help with that, so I keep my mouth shut. If I can’t offer suggested solutions, then I can’t criticize. 

When we decided to take T in, we had no idea how damaged he was. I do not regret taking him in, in fact, I think it’s the best thing for him at this point. He is still such a good boy. We know his behaviors are things he had learned before we got him. I am excited about the good days he’s had, and I hope they continue. I hope he continues to build his relationship with (his therapist) so he has a trusted adult outside the home to talk to. It seems to be helping.