Tag Archives: therapy

“Why Do You Have To Be…

…such a fucking bitch?” That’s what hear muttered from the other side of the bathroom door. This after I stated a problem, looking for some acknowledgement, but instead got arguments. So I state the problem again, hoping it will be heard this time. Only to hear that question muttered outside the bathroom door. The stated problem was minor, but the issue of him being checked out and missing the majority of what I say, has been a long time issue. I, of course, confronted him on the question he had just asked, and was met with nothing but denial. Yesterday, I sat on the couch where he usually sits. There were loose staples on the couch and I asked where they all came from (even with a big butt, sitting on staples hurts). His response….I don’t know. More denial. I used the car to go across town (which he usually drives) and found a bunch of loose staples. I know they didn’t come from me, or from our daughter who doesn’t drive, so why were they in the cubby in the handle of the drivers side door? Only he knows, but he’s not saying. I asked him why he didn’t tell me they came from him when I asked about the staples in the conversation the night before. He said “Did you ask me about that yesterday? I don’t remember.” A five minute conversation…erased from memory. And I’m the bitch? 

He’s checked out, and I want out. How can I make ends meet without him? Right now we are nothing more than roommates, attached to each other by a legal document that costs more than I can afford to pay to have it removed. He pays the big bills, and I only make enough to cover my bills, with a little left to put towards the main ones. I don’t make enough. As hard as I’m trying to change that, it doesn’t feel like it will change any time soon. I feel like I will forever be stuck in that catch 22 where I make too much money to get the help I need, and too little money to make it on my own. 

There is a daily struggle to not let my situation consume me. Every work day, I drag myself out of bed and paste on the best smile I can muster and leave my house wishing that I didn’t have to come back to the same shitty situation. It has been a tough 13 (soon to be 14) years. We started out so good. How did we end up here? Marriage isn’t easy, and for the majority of us, we’re lying if we say it is. Things that didn’t use to bother me absolutely annoy the hell out of me now. If anything is to change with this relationship, I am going to have to change it. Whether I choose to work it out, or walk out…something’s got to change!

T’s visitor…

…is doing more damage than good. T’s dad came down for spring break. T is so worried about upsetting his dad that he’s walking on egg shells in an attempt to keep his dad from having seizures. Apparently T believes that making his dad upset was the cause of his dad’s seizures. This is extremely bothersome to me. Yesterday I left them at the hotel that his dad is staying at. Not long after leaving them there T called me to tell me his dad was throwing up and he “didn’t do anything wrong” but he didn’t know how to help dad. I told him I would be right there, and not to worry. There was nothing he could do but stay out of dads way.

It’s apparent to me that dads reality is different from ours. He has convinced himself that T is only with us because they don’t have a house yet. I don’t care that they were living in a tent. We’ve lived in a tent…hell, I’ve lived in my car with my child. I didn’t go get T because of where they were living. I got him because of dads drug relapses, multiple attempted suicides, and unwillingness to put T’s needs ahead of his own selfish desires. If there is one thing I’ve learned as a parent, it’s that children are worth every sacrifice that we make for them.

Dad wanted to meet T’s therapist so we went while he was in town. Surprisingly dad approves, but didn’t feel he could be completely honest with the therapist in telling him what’s what in his life. Dad has made his opinions clear to T, so now T no longer is willing to discuss certain topics with the therapist or me or any other adult friend he has available to talk to, and he has even decided that because dad doesn’t like them that he no longer trusts the officer he used to ask to speak to. T no longer likes officers…because dad doesn’t like them.

All that being said, T did enjoy having fun with dad, and even commented to me that he’s noticing some good changes in his dad. He said he likes his new dad.

Update: The therapist told me that, in his opinion, T is better off here with us. This is because of dads reality, which is so scattered, and so far from our reality. The therapist also said that dads first topic of concern is finding out who molested his son. It was not “How is he doing?” But rather “Who did it so I can ‘deal’ with them?”

Better Days…

…are not only possible, but they are happening. I talked in a recent post about why T was sent home early from school, and since then I think we may have stumbled upon a routine to help him have better days at school. Every morning before we leave the house I ask him what kind of day he’s going to have today. He usually says “I’m going to have a great day!” Or “I’m going to have an awesome day!” Then, when I drop him off at school I will tell him to “have a great/awesome day today!” So I just remind him in a subtle way what kind of day he said he trying to have today. So far he has had a few great days, and no bad days. I hope it’s not a fluke and that we can keep this going. 

He’s asking about “baptisement” again, something he’s asked about before. When I asked why he said he wants to stop having bad thoughts. I explained to him that being baptized won’t stop him from having bad thoughts. He was so disappointed. I asked him about the bad thoughts, were they ones we’ve already talked about or are they new ones, is he able to not act on the bad thoughts, stuff like that. He said some of them are the same but some of them are new. He said he doesn’t feel like he needs to act on them, but if he does then he’ll come talk to me first. I suggested that he talk to (his therapist) about his bad thoughts during their next play date. He didn’t talk to him about it today, but (his therapist) says they will talk about them next week. 

T is trying so hard to be a good boy, and I know it is so hard for him to do. His dad called the other day and just can’t seem to talk to T without putting him down or trying to convince him to break the rules we’ve set for him. Dad wants to send him music, ICP to be exact. The music is full of fowl language and talks about things no 7 year old should be dealing with. Where his language and inappropriate behaviors have been an issue in the recent past, how could he possibly think that sending this stuff to T will help him behave better? Dad told him to have me explain what the song is talking about, and that he can listen to it in his room with headphones on. No, he can’t. Someone has had to start from scratch to help him fix his behaviors and since that person is me…no, I will not sit by and watch him take steps backwards when we have worked so hard to get some kind of forward momentum going. 

Dad was raised differently. Different rules. Different expectations. Dad, who is not happy with how he was raised, chooses to raise T the same way instead of changing it so T has a chance at a better childhood and a better life. Dad is supposed to be using this time that T is with us to get his life on track and get himself to a better place, emotionally, to take care of T. He’s on prescribed medication to help him get right, yet he’s still smoking “medicine” that is going to cause a drop in his happy hormones, so basically he is setting himself up for failure. I’m at a loss. Am I the only one who has a problem with this? Am I the only one who cares enough about T to protect him? The crazy thing is that he has a great mom, but she seems to not understand, and not see the devastating effect all this stuff is having on him. I feel like mom has been misled by dad, but I don’t know how to help with that, so I keep my mouth shut. If I can’t offer suggested solutions, then I can’t criticize. 

When we decided to take T in, we had no idea how damaged he was. I do not regret taking him in, in fact, I think it’s the best thing for him at this point. He is still such a good boy. We know his behaviors are things he had learned before we got him. I am excited about the good days he’s had, and I hope they continue. I hope he continues to build his relationship with (his therapist) so he has a trusted adult outside the home to talk to. It seems to be helping.

Therapy…Clubs…and Good Days…

…show we are moving in the right direction. We are 2 weeks into therapy for T. We found him a really good one who does play therapy. I pull T out of school a couple hours early every Friday so he can have a “play date” with our new friend (the therapist). Today he said he had a list of things to talk about during his play date, that he didn’t want to talk me about. I let him know that this is what the play dates are for, to talk to our friend about things he didn’t want to talk to me about. He has been so excited for the last couple days about this weeks play date. I love seeing him so excited about something that will be so good for him. 

Last Saturday T talked to his dad on the phone. Actually, dad talked to him. T’s silence was extremely abnormal, as he usually can’t stop talking when he’s on the phone. I knew something was up, but I didn’t want to push the issue that night. The next couple days were full of attitude and anger. I finally sat him down and asked what was going on. He said he didn’t want to talk about it because he didn’t want to get in trouble. I told him he won’t be in trouble for telling me what was upsetting him, he said he knows he won’t be in trouble with me, but he would be in trouble with dad. 

What?!?! Wow! Now I have to know. We have been working on not keeping secrets, and in one phone call, dad puts a stop to all of the work we’d done. Apparently, according to mom and dad, he misunderstood the “conversation”. Dad said he told him that “Auntie (that’s me) is the only person you can trust. Don’t talk to anyone else. Don’t trust anyone else.” Now keep in mind that dad knows what’s going on, and knows that T is going to therapy, which by the way, I was told by both mom and dad that I had to be in every session with him, which I refuse to do, because this little boy has been through so much and he needs to be free to talk about any and all of it if that’s what he wants and needs. 

Back to the phone call…what the heck was dad thinking? Why bring up who T is “allowed” to talk to unless you’re trying to keep him from talking? Unless you have something to hide? Who am I kidding? Dad has a lot to hide. But that’s on him, and little T should not be forced to carry the weight of his dad’s burdens. T already knows more than he should about drugs, and suicide, and being the adult.

Wednesday was a not so good day at school. T hit 3 kids, punched them. All for different reasons. Then he dropped the F bomb in class. Privileges were revoked for this unacceptable behavior. He accepted responsibility and loss of privileges, so I know he realized he messed up. Uncle took T along to visit our son Sean, who had a brilliant idea to tell T about “The fresh boys club” and told him he could be part of it only if he can show he can control his anger and his language. 2 great days later, and he’s trying to earn his way in 🙂