What Do You See…

…when you look into my eyes? Do you see the years of hurt and pain? The deep sadness? The intense love and concern for my children? Do you even see me at all?

Since I was 16 or so, I have tried to be a little bit see through. You know, fly under the radar, be invisible… I’m not very good at it though. I am too independent and opinionated. I stay out of sight only to see something, or someone, that makes me come out of hiding. I used to be a huge attention whore. I would try to get attention any way I could. From around age 5 until age 16, I would lie and steal if I thought it would get me ahead, or get me attention. I have since learned to use my words and simply ask for what I need. Sometimes what I need is to be left alone, but other times, even when I don’t realize it or won’t admit it, I need to be noticed. The problem is that even though I’ve had years, sometimes I’m still too embarrassed to ask for attention.

I was raised by a single mom since I was 8. I never felt like I belonged in my family. I wanted the attention that I saw all 3 of my brothers getting, but I could not live up to their greatness. No, seriously, they are all great! They got good grades, did what they were told, were honest, hard working boys. I love them, and even now I wish I could be more like them. They all have great families, with lots of kids. Their kids are so great. I was willing to accept all the negative attention that I could get, just so I could be noticed. I have a much better appreciation for my mom now, though. She worked hard, sometime 2 and 3 jobs to provide for us.

I want to feel loved, and safe; to be able to talk openly and honestly with another adult; to feel like someone has my back when it comes to caring for, and disciplining the kids; to be held and cuddled. I feel like these things, and more, are lacking in my life. I want to disappear so no one else has the chance to dump any more crap on me. I want to be mostly invisible again, and to only be seen by who I want, and when I want. Now…if I can just figure out how to make that happen.


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