What Do You See…

…when you look into my eyes? Do you see the years of hurt and pain? The deep sadness? The intense love and concern for my children? Do you even see me at all?

Since I was 16 or so, I have tried to be a little bit see through. You know, fly under the radar, be invisible… I’m not very good at it though. I am too independent and opinionated. I stay out of sight only to see something, or someone, that makes me come out of hiding. I used to be a huge attention whore. I would try to get attention any way I could. From around age 5 until age 16, I would lie and steal if I thought it would get me ahead, or get me attention. I have since learned to use my words and simply ask for what I need. Sometimes what I need is to be left alone, but other times, even when I don’t realize it or won’t admit it, I need to be noticed. The problem is that even though I’ve had years, sometimes I’m still too embarrassed to ask for attention.

I was raised by a single mom since I was 8. I never felt like I belonged in my family. I wanted the attention that I saw all 3 of my brothers getting, but I could not live up to their greatness. No, seriously, they are all great! They got good grades, did what they were told, were honest, hard working boys. I love them, and even now I wish I could be more like them. They all have great families, with lots of kids. Their kids are so great. I was willing to accept all the negative attention that I could get, just so I could be noticed. I have a much better appreciation for my mom now, though. She worked hard, sometime 2 and 3 jobs to provide for us.

I want to feel loved, and safe; to be able to talk openly and honestly with another adult; to feel like someone has my back when it comes to caring for, and disciplining the kids; to be held and cuddled. I feel like these things, and more, are lacking in my life. I want to disappear so no one else has the chance to dump any more crap on me. I want to be mostly invisible again, and to only be seen by who I want, and when I want. Now…if I can just figure out how to make that happen.


The new additions…

…are so cute. We bought our first chicks almost 2 weeks ago. There is a serious learning curve when it comes to raising new animals. We learned so much so fast. We started with 6, but 3 didn’t make it. We added 9 more 2 days ago. So far, the 3 older ones are separated from the new 9, but as they all get older we will start to integrate them into one big brood. All of the chicks are bantams, so they are about 1/2 the size of regular chickens. They lay much smaller eggs as well. The 3 older ones are 3 weeks old now, and they all look alike. 


The 9 new ones are only a few days old, but we can tell them all apart except for 2 of the speckled ones. The kids have all staked claim to their favorites and have started naming them. J won’t let me claim my favorite one, but gave Jay the turken (a mixed breed of turkey and chicken). That’s right, I said turken. We found a bantam turkey-ish! I didn’t think anyone would like them so I only got one. I should’ve bought more because the turken is the one everyone likes, but by the time we went back to get more, all the turkens were gone. 


I got a good picture of the turken. We love it’s little naked neck! We might just have to go back on Tuesday, when the next shipment comes in, to get more. 


T’s visitor…

…is doing more damage than good. T’s dad came down for spring break. T is so worried about upsetting his dad that he’s walking on egg shells in an attempt to keep his dad from having seizures. Apparently T believes that making his dad upset was the cause of his dad’s seizures. This is extremely bothersome to me. Yesterday I left them at the hotel that his dad is staying at. Not long after leaving them there T called me to tell me his dad was throwing up and he “didn’t do anything wrong” but he didn’t know how to help dad. I told him I would be right there, and not to worry. There was nothing he could do but stay out of dads way.

It’s apparent to me that dads reality is different from ours. He has convinced himself that T is only with us because they don’t have a house yet. I don’t care that they were living in a tent. We’ve lived in a tent…hell, I’ve lived in my car with my child. I didn’t go get T because of where they were living. I got him because of dads drug relapses, multiple attempted suicides, and unwillingness to put T’s needs ahead of his own selfish desires. If there is one thing I’ve learned as a parent, it’s that children are worth every sacrifice that we make for them.

Dad wanted to meet T’s therapist so we went while he was in town. Surprisingly dad approves, but didn’t feel he could be completely honest with the therapist in telling him what’s what in his life. Dad has made his opinions clear to T, so now T no longer is willing to discuss certain topics with the therapist or me or any other adult friend he has available to talk to, and he has even decided that because dad doesn’t like them that he no longer trusts the officer he used to ask to speak to. T no longer likes officers…because dad doesn’t like them.

All that being said, T did enjoy having fun with dad, and even commented to me that he’s noticing some good changes in his dad. He said he likes his new dad.

Update: The therapist told me that, in his opinion, T is better off here with us. This is because of dads reality, which is so scattered, and so far from our reality. The therapist also said that dads first topic of concern is finding out who molested his son. It was not “How is he doing?” But rather “Who did it so I can ‘deal’ with them?”

Our first 2 months of the year…

…have been a little crazy. In mid January (2016) we found water damage in our kitchen. This water damage was a result of a slow leak which was estimated to have started in November of 2015. This was also the cause of our tile issues in the bathroom and kitchen. We went to LA to visit M and E and when we returned, we got to stay one night in the house before moving into our first hotel.  From there, we moved to a different hotel, where over the course of the next few weeks we occupied a total of 5 suites before we were moved up onto Foremaster Ridge. So far, we have spent more of this year living outside of our house than we have spent living in it. We are so ready to move home again.

T has struggled daily at school since returning home from winter vacation with mom and dad. Dad is coming to town tomorrow for an 8 day visit, and T has been beyond stressed about it. I forget sometimes that we had about a month and a half to get him prepared for school, and even then he struggled for the first few weeks. I feel like we are starting over every time he sees them.

M has a new man in her life. He is so good to her and E. We met him when we went to visit in January. E is getting so big! She is strong and wanting to walk so badly. She already had 2 teeth when we visited. She’s gorgeous and we love her! M is doing such a great job with her. M is an amazing mom!

I am still looking for a full time, well paying job where I can put my degree to use. I do have a part time, temporary job starting in 10 days and lasting about a month. I’ll be an aid at T’s school, in his class. I’m subbing for the regular aid who is out for medical reasons. T is excited, so far, that I’ll be there everyday. Maybe I’ll get lucky and this will lead to something else, something that better fits my degree, my talents, my family’s needs.

Update: We finally moved back home on March 12th. It’s so nice to be back in our own home! Now to clean, declutter, and organize…